I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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