my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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