Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
