seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
