remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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