Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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