I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
