My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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