Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
