I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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