nut hugger
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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