she woke up with a sticky ear
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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