I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
