True but thats because hes a fetus.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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