i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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