dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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