Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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