How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize