my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
