Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
