We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The best revenge is premature balding
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
