ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
