KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize