So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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