if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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