Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
