Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
