I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
