Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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