Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
did i just pee glitter
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
