Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
