I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He called his prostate his "boner button".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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