just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
