Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
