i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
