I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
