Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
