i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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