Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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