Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
