hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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