Christians are straight up FREAKS
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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