Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
