Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
