stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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