I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
