Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
