My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
