The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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