So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So vagazzling was a success
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
