Joe is yelling at the trees again.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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