He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
