Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
