I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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