4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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