Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize