I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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