That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just high enough for therapy.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
